Plush Decline in Austin

Finale

2006-03-20T15:22:00.000-08:00

I officially re-applied for UNO, entering in the summer of 2007. No more moaning and whining about living here. Everything from here on out is focused on the goal of returning to grad school in Louisiana.

I can make it another 12-14 months here. I can get up everyday, have my coffee,work, and go to sleep. Do the gym thing. Get in the best shape I can. I will work everyday to ignore the fact that I have never been happy here and never will. It is simply impossible. It is like running in circles and never getting anywhere. I have tried every way I know of to be satisfied here and nothing works. It never worked in high school and it certainly doesn't work now. I just don't fit here. It's a great place for those who fit here. It's not like Austin is a horrible place. It's just been horrible for me. For whatever reason, people here just don't *get* me and I am so tired of trying to make them care. I've spun myself around in circles so many times here that I am dizzy from trying to be what they want. I have to live somewhere where me and the place go together. I felt that way in Florida and in New Orleans.

Life goes on and all I can do is chalk it up to bad luck or fate or whatever that I hate this town. Again, maybe its just me...so many people say they love it. I'm sure they do. But everyone's experience is an individual one and for me, this place is full of nothing but fakes and fools and liars.

There's not much else to say right now. I'll still post from time to time...perhaps...when the mood strikes me. I'm tired of *declining* LOL (even in a 'plush' sense)...it's time to resurrect myself and start anew.

...life's like a movie...write your own ending :)

I Saw In Louisiana A Live-Oak Growing

2006-03-19T05:03:00.000-08:00

I saw in Louisiana a live-oak growing,
All alone stood it and the moss hung down from the branches,
Without any companion it stood there uttering joyous leaves of dark green,
And its look, rude, unbending, lusty, made me think of myself,
But I wondered how it could utter joyous leaves standing alone there without
its friend near, for I knew I could not,
And I broke off a twig with a certain number of leaves upon it, and twined
around it a little moss,
And brought it away, and I have placed it in sight in my room,
It is not needed to remind me as of my own dear friends,
(For I believe lately I think of little else than of them,)
Yet it remains to me a curious token, it makes me think of manly love;
For all that, and though the live-oak glistens there in Louisiana solitary
in a wide flat space,
Uttering joyous leaves all its life without a friend or lover near,
I know very well I could not.

-Walt Whitman

2006-03-08T12:27:00.000-08:00

If only we had politicians like this in Texas...*sigh*...the wonderful & studly SF Mayor, Gavin Newsom

Working during the day (nothing stressful), still helping Courtney on the edges. I started putting feelers out to return to New Orleans (I have to return, I have to remove myself from rich hippie hypocrite land)...e-mailed David Lambour and heard some news and that was good, it was nice to know the old crowd is still around down there and that Katrina didn't destroy it all. It will require some $$$ and some serious planning but I need to do this for myself, for my sanity, for any chance at happiness. I cannot spend the rest of my life stuck in traffic on MoPac. I just can't. That life is not for me.

Primary elections...same old faces (except the fabulous & funny Kinky)...same old games...nothing really ever changes down here in Lone Star Land...

2006-02-25T18:27:00.000-08:00

"Dr. McSteamy" LOL...from 'Grey's Anatomy'

Good couple of days...Port Aransas, travel, still doing some online teaching stuff. Staying busy, it's raining, I walked into the sea and it was cold but not bad cold. I love the Gulf this time of year. It's cleaner. It really is. Plus the Spring Breakers have not descended on South Texas as of yet, so it is still very quiet and natural; no wet T-Shirt contests yet...

Poor Sheryl Crow...man...breast cancer is no joke. I hope she can get good treatment. That nasty manwhore Lance Armstrong drops her and now she gets sick. I wish her lots of luck in her treatment.

It's still kind of stormy outside (there was lightning over the water-- beautiful)...Spring approaches.

2006-02-21T19:02:00.000-08:00

The Winter Olympics...a time to celebrate world peace, friendship and hot guys. This one (Jeremy B) is a tad height challenged but the body makes up for it.

2006-02-20T18:47:00.000-08:00

Ah, now there's a REAL city...

Have a slight cold but its a good day. Helping Courtney grade some papers, plan some trips up North. The weather has gone bonkers...its like 45 and wet. Slimy vegetable soup weather. I drank about a bottle of NyQuil today and skipped the gym because I can't jog and hack up my lungs at the same time. Watched lots of TV, some of the Winter Olympics...the ice skaters are so graceful. Except when they fall down, of course.

I watched 'Tyra Banks' show this morning and it was pathetic, all these whiny professional chicks bitching because they don't have a man. They need to get over themselves. A man isn't everything. Men are fun to have around, sure, but they are not the end all, be all...you've got to have a fully-formed identity ON YOUR OWN, separate from any man before you can truly be happy. Men are just the dessert, not the main course. Personal fulfillment and discovery is the point of this whole life, not some guy to screw. I have finally figured this out after all these years myself. I can't understand how I lived for years thinking the opposite way. LOL.

Things are *good* on that front, though. But I keep that between he & I...sorry...I never kiss and tell, not anymore :)

Hoping it warms up, I'd like to do an afternoon on the patio this week.

2006-02-19T11:19:00.000-08:00

Love...comic book style...from the pages of DC's Manhunter #18

There, Back & Quebec

2006-02-16T20:53:00.000-08:00

Back at last, feeling a bit out of whack, a little time shocked and lethargic. Mail piled up all over, its 84 degrees, I feel good but as always, it sucks to be back.

Cheney shot somebody, probably a business deal gone south, he's a psycho old man, that one...scary, scary character! Around here, nothing really big is going on. I looked at a investment condo today up on Steck and it used to be an apartment complex and it was strange to see this ghetto raggedy apartment court turned into supposed upscale condos. Truly bizarre. Good prices though. I shall have to think about it.

Before my nap earlier and after the gym, I read Vanity Fair and thought to myself how ugly and anorexic that Keira Knightley trick is and how stupid that Scarlett Johanssen chick is and wondered why in hell did they get on the cover of such a great magazine. They should have put Halle Berry on the cover. No, strike that. They should have put Halle's new boyfriend on the cover. He is fucking delish...stellar...see his picture above...

A French Canadian stud. Gabriel Aubry. Yum-yum-damn-yum :)

I'm helping my sister with some work matters manana, its supposed to fall from the 80s into the 40s! Gotta love Texan winters...

2006-02-14T18:48:00.000-08:00

More hot Crown Prince action!

2006-02-14T18:45:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

(the delicious Crown Prince Haakon of Norway!)

2006-02-10T06:28:00.000-08:00

Gone for a few days...I shall return

2006-02-07T16:18:00.000-08:00

I like the jacket.

Good day. I've been the gym twice already. I feel like I have to really push it... Very sunny outside. Listening to Prince & Kenny Rogers on the iPod. 'Ivanhoe' is on TCM...Liz Taylor was so young then. Had to be the early 1950s.

I saw part of Coretta's funeral on CNN earlier and it was nice, all the former presidents showing up to pay tribute. She was a strong woman, a dignified and good lady...she always helped the fight for LGBT rights when she could. I admire that. May she enjoy her next journey, whatever that may be...

I love how Jimmy Carter made it a point to bring up the domestic spying thing and how we shouldn't be listening in on our own people. He's so cool. This country would be so much better off with a leader like him, even moreso now than in the 1970s.

2006-02-05T00:04:00.000-08:00

A great skyline in the picture below...ours in Austin will never be as attractive. We lack vision. All we have is the money, we express no style, no flair. Alas, who cares? I won't be living in this place too much longer. Staying focused, staying on-target. Maybe I'll just move 5 hours east, to the land of red beans, rice and sweet, sincere Cajun boys...

I went to the gym for 3 hours (I am getting semi-obsessed again) and came back and pretty much passed out. There was yogurt in the fridge but I think it is spoiled and I got turned on watching a guy on the water and got very distracted. Damned pathetic. I've devolved into a voyeur. I still need to take a shower. I reek of exertion. "Law and Order SVU" is on USA channel and I realized again how much I love this show. Detective Stabler is hot as all hell (I still remember him from HBO's OZ).

I added the Prince songs from 'Batman' to the iPod. I love the 'Vicki Waiting' track still...

I wish I never had to go back to town. I wish I could stay here and just watch the hills and the fading lights and never deal with traffic or crowded stores or people ever again. Not *all* people...there are some who I can deal with, they are alright, they are honest & cute and there is 'possibility' there but do I have the energy to truly pursue said possibility? Do I even really want romance and sex and all that? Or do I simply like the 'idea' of such romantic pursuits? I have raised the bar so high and fortified my walls so much that I am not certain anyone can truly overcome it all. Or that I would want them to...

Perhaps I am just content with a fine view.

Colossal Comic Cuteness

2006-02-04T21:27:00.000-08:00

A wonderful, powerful openly gay character from the pages of
ULTIMATE X-MEN...Colossus (aka Piotr Rasputin)

Pressure

2006-02-03T13:58:00.000-08:00
Kind of a down day, can't put my finger on it. Hating this state & city more than ever. I've never known such amoral, greedy people. Mean people. Rude. I am never shopping at HEB again...this worker was beyond rude to me when I asked her a question (I was trying to locate a product). I don't tolerate that kind of smack from some pathetic retail tramp. I was very polite to her. It's strange that a little thing like that can throw my day off, but its the small things that always do that, don't they?

It was in the paper that they are planning to build more high-rises downtown. Architecturally, they are knock-offs, of course...nothing original for this unoriginal town. I have to say that its unsettling that the City Council seems hellbent on approving upscale condos and not building one lower-income unit. Hell, the working class (even the middle class) are going to be forced out into Hays & Williamson Counties, where they can afford housing. Worsening the sprawl and congestion. Putting more pressure on the aquifer. Damn, this area is doomed. But you'd never think that reading the boosteristic articles in the Statesman. Everything's perfect! Ha. One day they will see...the seeds of inequality they sow today will come back to haunt them. When they have Houston-level murder and crime, they will look back and wonder what went wrong...when Barton Springs dries up, they will holler and cry "where did the water go?" (they will need only look towards those manicured suburban country clubs)...when it takes two hours to commute from Round Rock to Downtown, they will scramble to build true, efficient mass transit (but where will the billions $$$ come from?). Always playing catch-up, always saving face, eternally smug. An illusion & a mockery of a true city. How I wish we could have a tornado or a flood or something to wipe the slate clean.

The gym beckons (although I feel quite lethargic). I hope I can climb out of this piss poor mood.

Living Stealth

2006-02-01T23:41:00.000-08:00
Went to Lake Charles and wasted $$$, watched pelicans, drank. Blue tarp on everything, crazy scene. Not happy down there like usual, wonder if it will ever be the same again. Saw the movie 'Transamerica' and loved it. Felicity Huffman rocked. I really felt for the main character...he/she just wants to be happy, don't we all?

Best line from the film: "Living stealth" LOL...I feel that way here...like I am living stealth, not really myself, just *getting by* to please these people.

Damned horrible what happened to Bob Woodruff in Iraq. Its completely fucked up over there. Bush of course gets on TV and lies and people love him and clap. What a sorry ass country this has become. It was my mother's birthday today; she for stargazer lillies and a Nordstrom gift card from me. The rest of the *family* was out of town and seemed to forget what today was....no surprise there.

Pictured: Lake Charles and Kevin Zegers (the fabulously sexy co-star of the afforementioned film)

2006-01-29T05:53:00.000-08:00
When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so
happily,
joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,
logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
clinical, intellectual, cynical.
There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.
Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,
liberal, fanatical, criminal.
Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're
acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable!
At night, when all the world's asleep,
the questions run so deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.

-'The Logical Song' (Supertramp, 1979)

More Rain, 1986 Memories

2006-01-28T07:16:00.000-08:00
So it started raining again sometime during the night. I have family coming to town today (yay or nay, I do not know) and I am just trying to straighten up a little. It is very warm & humid, maybe 65 outside right now. Feels like May. They are obsessing over the UT basketball team the way they did over the football team (illiterate Vince & Co.)...I am so sick of the sports obsession...I still think it's a subtle homoerotic fantasy deal (all those boys in the closet!!!)...anyway, everybody's part gay anyway :) so some say...

Today is the 20th anniversary of the Challenger exploding. I remember that so well. I was in 4th grade at White Oaks. We had gotten these little photos of the shuttle crew, signed I think. And I remember crying and all of us crying because it was there, live on TV, and they were all dead.

Have to jog, then go by gym, then come back and get ready for visitors. I am also starting to think about my spring garden. I can start planting again in about 6 weeks so I am wondering what to go with this year. Maybe more citrus in pots or even vegetables. I used to love vegetable gardens. Carrots and tomatoes...I've always wanted to grow peanuts.

Playing on the iPod right now:
"Whip Appeal" by Babyface, 1989

Truer Words...

2006-01-26T16:05:00.000-08:00
Austin is not liberal, it is merely pretentious...

See for yourself
http://votingresearch.org/USAliberalcities.pdf

2006-01-26T00:57:00.000-08:00
Scott Summers AKA Cyclops

X-Men Personality Quiz Results

2006-01-26T00:44:00.000-08:00

Result of Quiz :: Best Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz. Non-cheatable!
created by ailen121
To create your own quiz, click here

You scored as CYCLOPS
Codename: Cyclops Full Name: Scott Summers Mutant Powers: Optic blasts of intense light-beams. Scott Summers was an early follower of Xavier's dream and a mutant that suffered all his life.As a young boy, Scott and his brother, Alex Summers, were with his parents on a plane of his dad. But then, a SHIAR ship destroyed the plane, capturing both Scott´s mother and father. Just before being kidnapped, Scott´s father, Major Christopher Summers, gave a parachute to his sons and dropped them out of the plane. The ´chute didn´t open, and Scott first manifested his mutant powers, as he used his optic blasts to slow down the fall. The boys were found in a forest, sleeping. Alex was adopted by a family, but Scott was sent to an orphanage, that was owned by Nathaniel Essex, a.k.a. Mr. Sinister. Sinister discovered the genetical potencial that lied within Scott, and began to make experiments on him. Many years later, Charles Xavier found Scott by using Cerebro, and took him away from the orphanage. Before he left, Sinister took away Scott's memories of his time there. Cyclops was a member of the original five X-men, and there he fell in love with another teammate, Marvel Girl, or Jean Grey. Eventually, he met his brother, Alex, who now went by the name of Havok, and later his father, who now called himself Cosair and was leader of an alien vessel that fought in space.

Cyclops
90%
Professor X
80%
Archangel
80%
Banshee
75%
Rogue
70%
Beast
65%
Jean Grey
60%
Iceman
60%
Wolverine
60%
Colossus
50%
Storm
40%
Shadowcat
30%
Nightcrawler
20%
Best Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz. Non-cheatable!created with QuizFarm.com"

2006-01-25T19:10:00.000-08:00
Good day, nothing big, nothing small. Have company over. Just watched a tremendous film called 'The United States of Leland'...man, this one really got to me. Great acting, a compelling story...I never knew Ryan Gosling was such a good actor. Loved it. Very dark though. But realistic. It was 68 degrees and sunny today and it felt perfect and hopeful and I feel likewise. 'Lost' comes on in a little bit...yay!

I ate this great fruit & nut bar today after the gym it was good. I could eat them exclusively.

2006-01-24T10:11:00.000-08:00
Go do something good for the world...

www.hrc.org

Rain...Finally

2006-01-22T06:29:00.000-08:00
It's pouring down rain for the first time in months. Finally. I thought it might never do this again, I was thinking about long-term droughts and the Sahara and with all the global warming crap going on, who knows? It's wonderful to hear that pitter patter on the skylights and the windows though. Just wonderful.

2006-01-21T06:49:00.000-08:00
Damn. I just jogged 4 miles and think I am going to break! LOL...nope, I'm OK, just need a energy bar. It's about 45 degrees out & windy, it crashed about 30 degrees during the night. Welcome back winter!!! I'm going to go to the gym at some point to do the yoga class and then onto the bookstore. It should be a good day, all in all...

Good Song, Bad Superman

2006-01-20T16:59:00.000-08:00

This has to be one of the strangest images of Superman I have ever seen. Scary, really. It might be Superboy gone evil. I dunno. I like it though. Heh.

It's 80 degrees (yes, the end of the world is near) and feels like Miami, it's so humid. I had one of those nut & yogurt bars from Central Market and did the gym for 1 hour and feel fairly decent. I might try to write this weekend. Need to get some work done. I am going to try & find that Ultimate X-Men trade I want. Nothing much else going on. Still taking it easy, avoiding talk shows and cable news (always negative, always depressing). I think I am the only person unimpressed by the whole Brad/Angelina thing...I mean, good for them and all...but I really don't care what they do. I tire of the celebrity obsessed media.

I'm listening to what just may be the perfect 1980s song...'Hold Me Now' by the Thompson Twins...ahh...what a song! Great, yearning lyrics, cool piano intro, awesome bridge...like I said, one of the best of its era.

Now Playing...

2006-01-18T14:06:00.000-08:00
New additions on the iPod:

"Casino Royale" Herb Alpert
"Feel Like Makin' Love" Roberta Flack
"Eyes Without A Face" Billy Idol
"Private Dancer" Tina Turner
"Seasons Change" Expose
"Tusk" Fleetwood Mac
"Zooropa" U2

'Munich'...Great Film

2006-01-17T07:37:00.000-08:00

Saw 'Munich' yesterday...it was astounding...it showed the horror of a 'neverending war'...George Bush & Co. need to watch this flick (of course, they won't though...they love blood and death)...Nobody was a hero in this one. There was no *good team*...you see both sides as heroes and villains. Amazing. Steven Spielberg is just, hands down, one of the best directors ever. He can bounce from genre to genre...from dinosaurs to aliens to the Color Purple to Schindler's to this...it didn't hurt that Eric Bana was in it and looked beyond handsome! And he did a great acting job.

Soaring Together

2006-01-16T11:09:00.000-08:00

Above: Metropolitan Tower & Carnegie Hall Tower, Manhattan (I love the way the two buildings are so close, soaring together towards the sky)

Happy MLK Day!!!...I wonder what he would think about the way America is today? Would he be happy? Or is he rolling over in his grave? I wonder...I know he didn't speak ebonics, he would hate ignorant junk like that.

I had eggs this morning, for whatever reason they were muy delicioso...did the gym for an hour, worked up some sweat...the weather itself is sweaty today-- foggy, humid, and about 70 degrees. It feels like rain (I wish).

I saw the Rick Perry for Governor TV spots again and nearly vomited. "I'm proud of Texas"...what a joke...I cannot be proud of a state that ranks 1st in children without insurance, that ranks 48th in environmental protections, and has what is possibly the worst CPS (Children/Family Protective Services) agency in America. Nope, there's nothing to be proud of. There's a lot to try to fix! But these good ol' boy morons in Austin could care less...the boys down at the Capitol only care about their hunting and their cash and their precious football teams...damn the citizens of the State. I'm voting for Kinky Friedman or maybe even Carole Strayhorn (although she's kinda nuts...'One Tough Grandma' LOL)

2006-01-15T15:07:00.000-08:00

Good Friday, Dry Land

2006-01-13T21:07:00.000-08:00

Good day, good Friday, stayed busy, walked five miles, felt good about that, felt good in general. Everybody's going positively mad about Angelina Jolie and her baby and I just say "you go, girl"...she picked the hottest guy in La La Land to be the Daddy. Brad's lucky, she's lucky, those third world adopted kids are REALLY lucky. I got 'After the Deluge' and 'The Velocity of Gary' in the mail today from Amazon. Yay! I love Amazon, always something new to order.

The weather is still nuts...not a drop of rain in sight. Worst drought in 51 years. Fires on the horizon. Mama Nature isn't happy at all. But I had a good day, so :)

'Lost' Again

2006-01-12T21:59:00.000-08:00

Did I mention that 'Lost' came back last night and it was fucking amazing. Mr. Eko stood up to the evil black mist (The Others?) and sent it packing. He's one tough mother. Barely any hot Dr. Jack in the episode (and way too much whiny Claire and goofy Charlie) but I'm just glad we have new episodes again. One month was a ridiculous amount of time between shows. I don't know what ABC is thinking. This is a hit show; they should be moving heaven and earth to order extra episodes...to keep the momentum and interest hot...

2006-01-12T20:59:00.000-08:00

2006-01-12T20:53:00.000-08:00
A good couple of days...just taking everything easy...watching 'The Hulk' right now on cable...I had the most fabulous bread today from Central Market...and I walked another 5 miles...maybe I really can walk 500 miles by my birthday :)

This movie is good...Nick Nolte looks insane though (too much living, I guess)

2006-01-08T18:24:00.000-08:00

Hot guy, that Eric Bana is. Very hot. This lithium has me in quite the mellow place. Mellow indeed. I haven't cried in a week. No cutting, no screaming. Its wonderful. Bring on the mood stabilizers...I really dig this stuff. Eight glasses of water a day, I'm going to see 'Phantom' in Houston pretty soon, I am kinda scattered, it is hard to keep my thoughts together. But that will pass. Things are looking better and better.

2006-01-06T11:03:00.000-08:00
'...Can't be together
Cannot live apart
We're heading straight into a broken heart
But I can't stop
'Cause I feel too much to let you go
I'm hurting you and it's hard I know
To stay and fight for what we've got
Knowing it'll never be good enough
'Cause you and I are dangerous
We want too much and life ain't that way
Don't ask for more
Don't be a fool
Haven't we already broken every rule...'

The Game was Rigged

2006-01-05T07:17:00.000-08:00

That game was a joke. USC deserved to win. Poor Matt. Cute, scruffy, fun Matt. He deserved to win again, not ghetto Vince. Trojans are cooler than cows. There were like 500,000 people downtown going crazy. Losers. Drunks. Syncophants. Don't people have to work around here? I forgot, everyone's rich in Austin (what a joke)...WTF??? Anyway, I'm so sad for Matt.

The Long Goodbye...Hello

2006-01-03T07:33:00.000-08:00
I guess I am stuck staying around in this life for some time to come. Tried to take myself out of the game *again* to no avail...I don't even know why things got so dark and depressed but I am still here, the storm has passed, I guess...

Welcome 2006.

Grrrr...so hot...love the skirt

2006-01-02T08:41:00.000-08:00

2006 Arrives

2006-01-01T02:07:00.000-08:00

In honor of the stud who gave us our calendar...Mr. Julius Caesar...Happy New Year

Here Comes Winter

2005-12-21T12:35:00.000-08:00
...and it's 60 degrees! :)

Equinox, things change again...winter, a time of rest and silent growth. What changes it shall bring, indeed...

2005-12-19T05:28:00.000-08:00

The flu-like weather continues for the 3rd or 4th day. Just blustery and not at all pleasant. It feels like England. I am not happy, I'm not sad, I'm not eating, I began/ended my Christmas shopping really fast.

I hate this goddamned holiday. It's almost over though, thankfully.

I just want to drift and sink and go away for a while. Go and rest and nest, like a caterpillar, come back as a butterfly, fly away, leave here, swaying and laughing in the breeze. I went out again and tried to *connect* and nobody wants me, I am not attractive enough-- I will not try again in the forseeable future.

The guy I have been chatting up...I don't know what he wants...I honestly think he's bisexual and I don't want to go there, I have zero time for confusion and sexual greed. Bisexual is just a codeword for *greedy*...they want everything on the buffet table. Pick a side, any side...Have some conviction for once, ya know? BUT...why do that in 2005? Why not just go out and fuck each and every guy & girl you know? It feels good, right? That's all that matters! (What a joke)
Oh well...who gives a fuck...I don't really. It's cold, I am snarky, I can't eat and I have an eyelash stuck in my eye. Merry fucking Christmas.

The Beautiful Ones

2005-12-18T07:51:00.000-08:00
"I love you."

I love you.

"I think I might be in love."

"I know it."

"I'm confused."

"I'm not."

"Never."

I'm holding his hand and it's marvelous like holding on to rock, maybe granite, maybe marble...no, marble is too cold and he's warm and he's firm like the pebbles on the bottom of the pond...I remember going there with him as a child, diving into that blue pool and reaching down to grasp the big, round stones...he's like those stones...he's forever and firm and blue and warm and I love him.

"Need him."

I can't hold his hand because people might figure out. Figure out what's going on. I'm afraid of what they will think of me. What my loved ones will think. My friends. I think about it everyday. Other. His hand isn't like the other.

"Want him."

I watch the muscles in his back because they're there and they are rolling like the tide and I feel myself get juiced just watching them rise and fall along with his chest. He's turned away from me as always. He's afraid I won't be here when he wakes. I wonder does he know I fear the same.

"I want to break you in two."

The first time it hurt like hell and I told him to take it easy and he did and he loves me, he really loves me and oh, God, I can't believe it is true. I really can't. He loves me?

"What time is it?"

She makes too much noise and it unnerves me. She's always planting her hands on my ass and begging me for it and I don't want to feel like I am using her but seems to want me to. Damn, she's screaming. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I'm too tired. I want things to be easy. I wonder if everything's too far gone for that. She loves my finger.

"Just close your eyes and sleep."

He watched me take a shower and it was so hot I was laughing and his teeth were bared and it looked like he was drooling. I wonder if he was hungry? He licked his lips and I did the same. We laughed. It feels so natural. Not like the other. Never like the other. Naturally sexy and wet and he attacked my mouth and I let him because he's so beautiful and he tastes so good.

"Define love."

I look over and see a girl from school I know and she's with some random boy, a boy, and I think to myself how lucky I am to have what I have and to enjoy such company. He's playing with his cup and his shirt is wrinkled a little bit and I laugh to myself when I think how it got that way. He's looking at me.

"Look there."

We were watching the sunset, he and I. I looked over at him. He always seems lost in his thoughts. I wonder is he worried about anything. I rub his head. We're both worriers. It's our nature. His skin feels so good, I want to burrow into it and never leave. I try to get him excited, try to arouse some interest, but he keeps looking out over the fields. Towards.

"That's us."

Holding her hand I walk through the doors and see some faces, familiar faces. Can they read my mind? I fear I am so transparent they could walk through me. Hey! A familiar hand, a good hand, it grips my shoulder and then I am laughing and handing over notes. A girl's wink. A familiar girl. Other. A girlish laugh echoes through the halls and for a second, it makes me sick. There's a blur of short and blond and the rubber scent of a basketball and they leave me. With. Other. I'm disgusted. Just for a second.

"I have to go."

The first time he kissed me I was frightened because what would people think? He's not in my grade. What would they think? He never played with me by the pond, the pond with the blue stones and forgotten kisses. He never giggled in the treehouse or helped me finish a sundae. But his kiss is mine and I know it. He's got more. Power. The other...he's. He's what he is. Soft. This one is mine. I know he knows it. The same way I know I make him come and he loves me for it. Everyday, I know it and feel it and I want more and more.

"I can't tell her."

I watch her watch him and I want to kill her or hurl or something but inside I get it, and I love her for it. This is the only way this will work. This...love of ours. Too much...other. Outside. I watch her watching him and I get hard because I am thinking about the way her long dark hair falls when she's straddling me and the little squeak she makes when she comes, teardrops falling, biting her lip...the blood tastes delicious, like rain.

"She needs me."

I almost tell everyone. I need to. Want to. Everything inside me begs to be heard but all I do is whisper. Eat some more food, they say. You look damned pea-ked, says Pa. Ha. If only they knew. Last night I was bent over a desk, then a car, then slammed royally over a saddle bag. Last night I was moaning for hours like a whore. And I loved it. No one sees this part. Not. Even. This part of the map. It's that unwritten, undocumented country beyond what people see. He kissed me for thirty minutes. I held my breath, didn't want him to stop. Perhaps it's love.

"I know."

Needing and wanting. Wishing. Every night my dream is the same, ending the same. Her there, him there. Me there, him there. Me and him. Eventually she kind of fades but then lingers, then morphs into something that makes me wake up sweaty and hot and crying. Like the first time. Other.

She looks at me all sad and shit and I do feel sorry for her but I don't love her.

"I love you."

He looks at me with those eyes, pleading for me to hold him.

"I love you."

He slams into me, wanting, pulling, controlling my every thought. Of. Other. I told him my secrets. What will they think?

"I love you."

Interiors

2005-12-16T06:02:00.001-08:00

2005-12-14T06:17:00.000-08:00
Just got back from another little escape. All I seem to do is sleepwalk through work, daydream about war or fairy-tale romance, and linger in shady corners...more and more, it feels like an exercise in futility...

The water was beautiful, though, after I got away from the other City, the lair of skyscrapers and big hair. I did not want to return here, I never want to return here. Run & fly and keep flying, far away from all of this, never looking back, never asking questions, just following the sun...

The person I have been *talking* with e-mailed and asked if I would go out with him and some female friend of his. Perhaps. But if I get an inkling of anything kink or weird, I'm outta there. I do not have time for bisexuals, trysexuals, the repressed, the psychos, or liars. And she'd better not be a stripper.

Macho Mall Culture

2005-12-11T08:26:00.000-08:00

Listening to David Bowie..."Scary Monsters" from 1980...awesome CD, great bass lines, hilarious imagery...the demise of Major Tom (he couldn't quite kick the habit)...'Ashes to Ashes' one of the best tracks I have ever heard.

I want to go see this 'Brokeback Mountain' film...it looks really sad though...kind of a gay-cowboy-Danielle Steel piece. I have zero interest in King Kong. Zero. I've known more than enough Big Apes in my time...I'm not jazzed about it.

5 more soldiers dead in the sands...people here are too busy shopping and gorging to give a damn. You wouldn't even know there's a war on!

It's chilly this morning but it is supposed to warm back up near 70. I was looking at the plants again and some look very bad. I'm gonna need to dig around the roots and do some tests to see what made it and what didn't.

People paying $4000 just to go to the Rose Bowl...crazy. That's a trip to Spain. A good trip to Spain & France. But whatever floats their boat, I guess...I'll always be fascinated with this macho middle class culture that loves to watch sweaty guys in tight pants roll around in the dirt...hmmm...secret, repressed fantasies, anyone?

Tight ends? LOL

Saw a certain face yesterday and it was nice but I am trying to take everything VERY SLOWLY...nothing can really happen right now because I am still trying to piece myself together, I certainly can't manage a full-blown dating thing right now. But still...the attention *is* nice...

Bright Day

2005-12-10T19:07:00.000-08:00

I started watching 'Everwood'...

Nice day outside...it got up to 72 by the afternoon...can't believe there was an ice storm just 2 days ago! It was sunny. Did the treadmill for 1 hour, drank way too much coffee, lifted a bit, went to Barton Creek and walked around (and it was crazy crowded), generally just tried to be out there in the world.

2005-12-09T19:27:00.000-08:00
Today:

2 cups Java, 3 glasses of green tea, 10 cigarettes, 2 Perriers, 45 minutes on treadmill, forgot the V-8, will make it up tomorrow...no more Bolthouse protein smoothies (too much fat), try to steer clear of the Diet Coke...

3 weeks & a day until 2006.

2005-12-09T04:42:00.000-08:00

Something hot to warm things up around here :)

Mainlining Kryptonite

2005-12-08T07:25:00.000-08:00
Comics were good yesterday; Outsiders was fun (anything with Donna Troy is usually great fun), Adventures of Supes 646 was AMAZING...hope they didn't kill Mxy, he's a great little guy...

Aside from comics, it's damned freezing outside. He watched the bananas fall last night. Death comes in winter and it hurts to see such majestic leaves collapse...but he knows it's truly not warm enough for them here, they belong in warmer places, near the sea...places with warm breezes and friendly people. Not here. Never here. The only natural plants here are harsh and brutal; the thorny prickly-pear, the sindly Mesquite, the ragged Ash Juniper (which people here mistakenly call Cedar, idiots)...the palms should come through OK...

Living here feels like Superman does when he mainlines Kryptonite...after the crowds leave and the applause fades, nothing but waste and hubris, nothing lasting, nothing sticks (except ice, last night, ridiculous)

Fucking hell. Those banana plants were blooming. There would have been fruit. There was no way to protect the leaves though. The stalks are wrapped in burlap and newspaper but the leaves...damn!!! Why even try to grow such beauty here? This place is too harsh for anything beautiful...its 24 degrees outside. It was 87 just 4 days ago. Insane.

Only a few months left. Back to first-person, now. Heh.

I can't live in a place where traffic sucks and beauty dies.

She's OK...But he is the 'Pretty One'

2005-12-07T17:18:00.000-08:00

2005-12-06T04:34:00.000-08:00

Just another day...pretty cold out...hope it doesn't kill the plants...covered them up but its been so dry and hot (i.e. severe) this year, he doesn't know what might happen. If they make it, they make it. Can't worry about everything all the time. This isn't exactly tropical paradise here. Heh. It's more like the seventh level of hell.

Lame, long weekend...nothing spectacular. Whatever happened to those *spectacular* days? Are they lost forever to the past? He doubts that, but for the time being, things are fading. Maybe come summer, the outlook will shift.

Bought more iPod songs, watched a couple make out at the Barnes & Noble (no discretion, no class, too much PDA)...drove by a *gun festival* (yay...lets go kill people)...what a fucked up place this is...feel a cold coming on...need to cut back on smoking...looked in the mirror and laughed...how can one person look so bad? He's got enough ugly for 7 people combined!

Even

2005-12-01T15:27:00.000-08:00
A fairly dull day...he worked out a long while, did some work, made lists, washed dishes and watered plants (its still quite dry and the atmosphere desert like with the chill and all)...first day of December. The year is almost over. He awaits the even numbered year with anticipation. Even numbered years have always been better than odd ones...

Charlize Theron was on "The View" this morning. What a cool, gay-friendly chick! He's going to go see her Aeon Flux movie just because of some comments she made that were quite supportive of the community (not to mention some of the hot actors who are in it alongside her...). So glad to see that not all stars are afraid to support human rights.

New Horizon

2005-11-30T07:38:00.000-08:00
Returning from an abbreviated trip, he realizes again (with a slight edge of humor), how incapable he is of assimilating into life here. He accepts this and there is no more need for anger nor sadness...some places simply do not fit. The plan is in place, so he just lingers, drifting towards the new horizon where new opportunities and hopes abound.

He watches the "View" and realizes Star Jones must have had the stomach cut surgery. She has a huge head (she resembles Al Roker these days). She does not look all that healthy. Barbara looks well preserved though. Joy is funny. He likes "The View"...Ellen's show is good as well. Ellen seems very sincere.

He sent out Xmas card to family and former co-workers. He hopes the Postal Service delivers them. He's always been wary of the post office.

'Lost' is new again tonight...hot Sawyer eye candy...perhaps he will watch it with his sister (she was on Nancy Grace the night before last, she flies to Bilbao next week, world traveler, deserving success story)...the weather is staying nice...60s in day, 30s at night, and the searing, burning season appears to have passed (except in North Texas, where the land is burning). Cold never bothered him, cold is his friend. Cold wakes you, stirs you, makes you realize you are still alive. Heat only destroys.

So in the forseeable future, life will consist of a little work, the gym, and quiet contemplative time. Meditation, inner growth. He doesn't really care to see many people anymore (he never liked people, that was an act, that was a game he tried out and lost)...he must learn to like solitude. He doesn't ever enjoy going out anyway. Wasted money for lousy times. Ten minutes of laughs don't balance 23 hours of sadness. There will be times he will fight against it and tears may fall, but in the end he will realize it is good for him, that people are a cancer, that trust lies only in yourself, that beauty exists only in pictures and memories. Real life is not the cinema or the radio. Real life smells like exhaust and french fries and cuts out your heart and spits in your face. Real life is chock full of bullshit games. He chooses a new life, then, of his own making, where he is master of today and tomorrow.

Downloaded some more Herb Alpert on the iPod. He loves that smooth trumpet. Quite wistful...it sounds like an afternoon at the Lake in late Spring...that last piece of weather when you don't sweat and ideas of romance and love bounce around in your head.

He/I realize what I/He am and it has finally stopped bothering him. He says..."I am an isolationist, I am selfish, I am not attractive enough for anyone here..." Three deep breaths and realizations become fact. Now he can move forward with the things he does possess.

In other places, he will be good enough. As he was in the past, in other places...

2005-11-28T06:32:00.000-08:00
Flying today, back on Wednesday. Out-of-state. The games begin...

Red Skies

2005-11-26T21:53:00.000-08:00
What is this life but a collection of images and colors, strewn about the mortal plane? Death is out only friend, our only Master. He simply is. He teaches us that nothing we do is eternal, not the finances, not the engineering, not the promises. Love fades, beauty withers, cities fall, water dries...but Death, he walks with us always.

One must respect him, revere him, not shy away but embrace the skeletal, tender touch...no Botox nor stock portfolio or cloning will alter his progress...he lingers, smiling sadly, nodding knowingly between the stars and Hell and he does what he must. He's always on time. Never lies.

Love him or suffer. Ease into the acceptance. You/He may indeed drift here for eighty or ninety years but realize there is nothing down the road but Him...

These thoughts sound crazy but its just what's running through the old mind tonight. Want to get hit by lightning, but the storm has passed, off to warmer places. What is that old line about red skies at night? Sailors delight, he believes...the skies are always red when he closes his eyes...red like blood and horror and hate. Tried to be out today, tried to shift back to full speed but failed. The blood is still running. Some would call this a disconnect with reality. He calls it realization...

...He knows exactly what is happenning and all the reasons behind it. No compass needed. He has been rejected the last time. There is no longer that road. It has been dug up. He will follow a new path now, his own. Everything in self-interest (there is no one to give a damn)...he can start wearing make-up or jumping from airplanes or ice-fishing and he will not ask for opinion nor comment. If possible, he will speak to nearly no one. No God. He has forsaken him, leave the myths and fairy-tales to lesser men. He needs no lying voices to tell him the way the wind is blowing. He feels the hot, sharp South wind howling through the red skies. One more cut. He knows what rides upon him. No waste, no excess; Excess is a sign of indolence, of sloth. He tastes the air and it melts on his tongue, powerful and seductive and acidic...

He hears echoes of the old him, the good guy, the pleaser, those false smiles, all that groveling and politicking...he laughs, that person is gone. Wasted years. He would never be accepted by them. They would just continue to mock him, to crush him. No longer. He will become something they never expected. He will evolve into a form they cannot predict. They will not know him. He will not acknowledge any of them. The sky, in time, shall clear of the loneliness and blood and shine crystal blue-gold and he will be triumphant and they will cry out for recognition...

Rain Dance

2005-11-26T05:13:00.000-08:00

Saw 'Rent'...quite good. Sister really enjoyed it. It is raining. Hard. We haven't had rain like this lately. He wants to dance in it, like he used to in Louisiana. Those were rainy days of promise, weren't they? He wonders where the promise went...can it come back? He hopes so. Listening to Herb Alpert (smooth trumpet, marvelous stuff...1981's Magic Man is on this AM)...he gathers he should take advantage of these 525600 minutes of the year and do something big, make a mark, leave an impression. Yes, he thinks, he must create something.

He wonders what they are doing in Bournemouth? Such good people, his only true companions (they never lied, never shrank back in fear, always made him laugh-- they did not see the ugliness...)...were they on holiday in Miami by now? He berates himself for being lazy and not making the simple 011 44 call.

Pouring harder. And its warm. Perhaps a rain dance is in order.

2005-11-25T08:46:00.000-08:00

It is grey and warm, the kind of weather he can deal with. Bath weather, sauna feeling. About 70 degrees. Texas is playing A&M and somehow he hopes UT will lose...they are so arrogant, so damned smug...some team needs to teach them some humility. Bought the Leroux Phantom novel. Its madness outside, everyone shopping and wasting, gorging on supposed good deals. Good cheer and charity be damned. He hates it all. He worked out for 1.5 hours and feels sore, which is a blessing in disguise. It takes pain to reach your goals. Less than 340 days to go. Not much energy really. Maybe enough to go buy some water, nothing before. He feels squeezed, like a sponge. Lots of sweat on the treadmill.

Listening to 'Angel of Music'...hoping someday to have a guardian like that myself...

(see why in shadow I hide...)

Reset, Forget

2005-11-24T06:59:00.000-08:00
Hotel room, nice view. He looks out and sees the sun rising gently in the East. It is quiet here in the canyon, no construction noise today. Head hurts, iPod is uploading. He has forgotten the date, the holiday. It's meaningless anyway. Gorging and gluttony have no place for him. He wishes for floods and fire and dreams in black & white. Head throbs, its Alka Seltzer time. Listening to Herb Alpert, remembering cranberries and whipped cream (among other delights...) and gravy from childhood. Those days are lost, that feeling will not be regained. There is only tomorrow (today is brittle, it will crack). Tomorrow and what it hold comforts him here on Barton Creek Boulevard.

His sister has returned from Asia, bringing beautiful digital toys and Hong Kong currency. She liked it there, he fears she will leave these shores soon...Spain or South America or the islands...permanently. Everyone with any sense is leaving, trying to forget the cruel and nasty land of Big Macs and Hollywood. Nothing matters, he thinks. Life is a collection of random regrets, false promises, empty memories. Better to recreate yourself once again, to remake him in your image.

2005-11-20T08:06:00.000-08:00
"...Every time I tried to display my innermost desires – a wish to be morally good – I met with contempt and scorn, and as soon as I gave in to base desires I was praised and encouraged..."

-Leo Tolstoy

Gerard

2005-11-17T06:34:00.000-08:00

...what a beauty...

2005-11-16T05:15:00.000-08:00

"Well to use this train of thought, I'm more of the submissive than the dominant..."
Marton Csokas

...All The Cannibals Gathered in the Gilded Temple...

2005-11-15T16:04:00.000-08:00

I will be gone from here by December, next year. No more b.s. I am repeating this to myself because it reinforces the idea for my stubborn brain. I hate things here more than ever, not because of 1 person or 1 thing but because of many people and many things. I will never be happy here, not in the long run. I will not survive. Let's just say that once again, I have learned that you can't trust a goddamn person here unless you pay them good $$$...this town is full of cons and whores and I am just going to work and sleep until I finally move away from here. I am never fucking coming back, ever.

The wind has changed dramatically, good...its getting cold...a strong clipper is sweeping through, I hope it gives every liar here double pneumonia and death...I am so tired of putting myself out there just for people to fuck with my head. I don't need the kind of friendship the people around here offer. The price is too high. No one here has ever given a damn about me. They have all fucking used me. Fuck them all. I don't want revenge, no, that's petty...I shall leave the pettiness to them...I just will leave this gilded prison where the cannibals destroy one another in some fabled quest for whiter teeth, bigger houses, and faker breasts

On a positive note, I feel like I am looking good (but never good enough for them, that is impossible, no one is good enough unless you ride a bike and live atop Mount Davidson or beneath Mt. Bonnell)...I have to look good for myself, for my own purposes, I can't let this place take my looks away from me. Just like I can't let this place destroy my mind...I went to the library after the gym and got several Star Trek books and I am enjoying them-- oh and Courtney is still in Asia and there was a earthquake and she freaked out and called me-- but everything seems to be OK now. I hope it is alright. She wants me to Tivo 'Lost' tomorrow...I am so glad they killed off that blonde bimbo last week.

"I had sex with my stepbrother...I'm a victim..." What fucking ever. Again, glad she's toast.

Cold air is all around me and I will feed on it, finally the heat and wrath of summer is completely swept away and in the harshness of the chill, I can pull a curtain down on what has been the worst (and warmest) season in a long while. I can manage the next 10-11 months, I can endure the feasting around me, the greed, the bigotry, the pure EVIL that exudes from these people and this dead land...I can make it because that will give me time to build myself up, strong and wiser, fleeing the boiling pot as the others rush to throw themselves in...

(eventually their world will destroy them...the pillars will fall in...I do not care to wait to see this spectacle...they will bring about endless suffering, the signs are already present)

2005-11-14T07:05:00.000-08:00
Saturday ended up fairly wild...Sunday I just rested...today I will wash clothes, clean up a tad (Molly Maid will not be here until Thursday), and generally try to accentuate the positive :)

Patio Dreams

2005-11-12T07:16:00.000-08:00

I need an 'Aragorn' in my life...

Went to D&B last night, it was OK, it was fun. Just hung out for two hours then came home. Slept on the patio; it was so warm. Weird dreams, no sex, just the usual floods and flowers and hazy sunsets. I wonder if I am looking at something real in my dreams or if its all just fantasy....

The patio is a great place. The plants, the fountain. Outside but inside. Secure. I wish the weather was always in the 70s.

There's a game today and again I have rejected invites. I'm simply not interested in UT football this year. People think I am crazy. But of course...I am!!! I need to buy tickets for that Houston Grand Opera event in December. I can rent a room as well, maybe shoot by IKEA and pick up some knick-knacks...that would be fun

2005-11-11T13:30:00.000-08:00
Decent day, foggy this morning. Went to gym, now just kicking back and relaxing. Watched 'Smallville' last night for the first time in forever. It was fun...yet is has turned much, much darker.

Nothing big planned this weekend, just the gym and maybe El Mercado for 'ritas and generally just chilling. Met a gorgeous guy at the bookstore and we chatted, exchanged info...he's military, though, which would mean long-distance (well, kind of...Killeen)...I'll call him sooner or later and we shall see...

76% For, 24% Against (Prop 2)

2005-11-09T05:04:00.000-08:00
The voters have spoken. So be it. Jim Crow returns from his shortened vacation. Its OK to discriminate against queers (we're all horrible, amoral people you know...all straight people are perfect, of course...). Fuck this state and fuck these people (since 3/4 of them are affirmed bigots)-- a curse on them and this horrible place forever.

Next we'll have pink armbands. The fire spreads...

"It's a sign from God"

Well then I don't want anything to do with you or your God.

(I'm fucking physically ill. I knew this was going to happen but it hurts)

Election Day

2005-11-08T12:04:00.000-08:00
I'm in one of those moods...when I think about just hiding here in the house, never leaving, reading newspapers for news of the world, just wasting away behind the glass...maybe it's because today is Election Day and I don't hold out much hope that Prop 2 will be defeated. The bigots and fundies continue to grow in power and maybe the time for people like me really is over. It's a tangible hatred here...you know they hate you, you see the blood in their eyes and realize they would gun you down, beat you, destroy your very soul all in the name of their Creator. It's my fault really, I knew what kind of place this was, I returned here of my own free will, I never should have, I should have remained in the East and never stepped back into this backwards hell.

All I can do is hold on until everything is in place and I can flee.

I went to the gym for 2.5 hours and haven't eaten anything. My appetite is gone. Want to take a sedative and drink some V-8 and just drift into the nether place...it's fucking 90 degrees in November, by the way, which means this truly is Hell or global warming is in full effect.

There's a dead butterfly in my car...I don't know how it got in there. Maybe it squeezed through the glass to come inside and commit suicide. It's just lying there, quiet and alone and I wonder what happened.

My sister left for her trip to Asia. It's my father's birthday, I have to go get him something or else he will be pissed and I guess I have to take a shower and go out to the house this evening and play happy family for an hour or two. No cake, though. Cake is bad, food is the enemy, and I can't lose that particular war.

I can't get the image of dead grass out of my head. I'm losing it. But there really is dead grass everywhere, everything is yellowed, dimmed...not enough rain. Perhaps the 'Creator' is tired of his hateful children and is trying to tell them something. Not that they would notice. They care for nothing but blood (why they love war and suffering) and sweat (that's why they love sports, they like to watch goofy supersized men in spandex sweat)...

I simply can't *pretend* to be happy living in such a hateful place. I'm tired of putting on the show...all I can do is hold on, eyes closed, ears shut, until I turn away from it...

Sex Type Dream

2005-11-07T13:21:00.000-08:00

Weird day...I had the strangest dreams about Scott Weiland (old STP frontman, now with Velvet Revolver)...he was really handsome back in 1992 or so but looks far too skinny and pale nowadays. Anyway, I'm somewhere with him in a garden and we're kissing which is weird and he's wearing an orange boa...he's smoking Djarum Black cloves, which I rarely see anymore (especially around here, everyone smokes Marlboro or even those awful generic brands)...I have no idea where this came from...I haven't listened to my old Stone Temple Pilots CDs in forever...anyway, it was an all-out sex type dream...LOL...I just can't figure where the inspiration came from. Usually I know exactly why I dream what I dream...I have to go the gym, yet my head is throbbing (probably a tumor, knowing my luck)...I would love just to lie in bed and have sex dreams for months & months. Sex in a garden, with perfect weather and flowers blooming everywhere...something like heaven, I guess...

...time to pull out those great old CD's like CORE & PURPLE...I think I even had that MTV UNPLUGGED set around here too...

Great Lyrics

2005-11-07T05:42:00.000-08:00
From my favorite OUTKAST song--

"The Whole World" (2002)
(feat. Killer Mike)

[breathing hard]
Okay, here we go

[Andre 3000 - singing]
Yeah I'm afraid, like I'm scared as a dog
But I've got a new song, and I want y'all to sang alooooooong
Sang aloooooooooong..
See this is the way that we walk on a sunny, day
when it's rainin inside and you're, all alooooooooone
All aloooooooooone - yeah!

[Chorus: OutKast - singing]
Cause the whole, world, loves it when you don't get down
(Bah bah-da, bah bah bah-da da)
And the whole, world, loves it when you make that sound
(Bah bah-da, bah bah bah-da da)
And the whole, world, loves it when you're in the news
(Bah bah-da, bah bah bah-da da)
And the whole, world, loves it when you sang the blues
(Bah bah-da, bah bah bah-da da)

[Andre 3000]
Take a little trip, hater pack up yo' mind
Look forward not behind, then you'll see what you find
I caught a sucker dyin cause he thought could rhyme
Now if his momma is a quarter daughter must be a dime
I gotta meet her, don't take no shorts I don't use abbrevi-
-ation, I don't even play the radio neither
Only if I need to know the sports or the weather
I'm a cool type of brother but yep, your head I'll sever
from the neck - see ain't nuttin changed, hit the stage
Set a date sucker, in battle we can engage
I'll slice you, wife you, marry you, divorce you
Throw the Porsche at you, is what I'm forced to do
With my back against the wall, crack his back y'all
Naw, it ain't went nowhere like havin hair with stylin gel in it
Throw a curl in it
Dread that nappy shit up, throw a shell in it
Whatever floats your boat, or finds your lost remote
And this for dem niggaz workin at the airpo't
who got laid off, I take my shades off
If you look straight in my eyes, you still might see a disguise
Because the whole, whole, world, world

[Chorus (overlaps Andre's last line)]

[Killer Mike]
Player I grind, my focus is crime
Raw with the rhyme, I'm slick with the slime
My words are diamonds dug out a mine
Spit 'em, polish, look how they shine
Glitter, glisten, gloss, floss
I catch a beat runnin like Randy Moss
Ride dat bitch off like a brand new horse
I'm rollin my stone, gatherin no moss
Mami I'm comin I hope you get off
Or rock your own boat like Aaliyah then talk
Back, back, forth, forth
Get that sailor on course, course
Make that track a corpse, corpse
Rap, roll, utterly rocked
with my mouth to the mic and my hand on my cock
Cadillac OutKast just won't stop

[Chorus]

[Big Boi]
Turn on the TV and everything is lookin dismal
Went in the bathroom medicine cabinet Pepto-Bismal
Need it for my stomach cause my tummy kinda aches
like a junkie on withdrawal, fresh up off the plate
Wait, back to the enemy of the state
is the Republicans or Democratic candidate
Debate, now even the black box hold the fate
Clueless like Shaggy and Scooby befo' commercial break
Hate, extreme prejudice, let's dismiss this
If you want to you can dub it to your hit list
I know you gon' to, we in this to replenish yo' musical wish list
When it come to this music we stay relentless
Pursuing all that's pursuable
Doing God's willing all things that are doable
The only liable limitation is yourself
Dre set it on the right and I'll set it on the left, cause

[Chorus]

2005-11-06T19:14:00.000-08:00
Went to dinner with my sister at the Four Seasons. Crowded, food was OK. She is going to Hong Kong this week. Coach, couldn't get First Class on the flight.

Went to gym before, feel kinda washed out, tired. Need another vacation!

The Klan was in town yesterday, the world has gone crazy. I don't want to think about all that. Hot outside.

2005-11-04T01:53:00.000-08:00
wow...

Travel Plans

2005-11-03T05:57:00.000-08:00
Oh I hate being back here. I always do. Its as if my heart sinks upon returning. Leaving behind water and mountains and variety for these bleak hills and strip malls. It's yellow here, there aren't enough trees nor green grass to make it look like anything except harsh and dead. Just like the people.

This time next year I will be someplace...else...I still have to choose between Far North (Canuckland), Far South (Florida), or Just East (Louisiana)...anywhere but here...

I think its good to put myself on a one year plan. I always said I would move again in 2006 and so I am sticking to that. I could leave sooner but I want to have everything in place before I leave.

I do not expect to ever return to Texas, save for funerals...

My time in Texas is over. We don't fit well together.

This state has meant nothing for me but pain...when I think about it, every good friend, every good relationship I have had I made outside of Texas (especially in Florida)...there have been a few people here I have felt connected to, but they always fuck me over or drift away...its a very selfish and indifferent place...it sells itself as a *friendly* spot but that is bull...they are only friendly if they want to fuck you or fuck you over...

Well...good for them...in less than 12 months I will say adios to this hell...

On a completely unrelated but HOT note...last night I caught some show called 'Related' on the WB and there was studly Chris Carmack in all his hairy-chested glory...YUM!

(that new guy...the 19 y.o...I have been hanging out with left me a message on voice mail asking if I wanted to go to Midtown Spa.....WTF????...I thought this kid wasn't a freak...wrong again...I have the worst taste ever...sex freaks, poseurs, gym bunnies, addicts...they all flock to me...fuck...I still want to hang out with him, sure...but Midtown? Not my scene these days...)

Gotta hit the gym, I've been lazy for days...in Mexico I never feel ugly or inferior, yet the minute I return here, I feel like the goddamned Phantom of the Opera. Something about this place...

More Carmack...

Dig the shorts...

Travelin' Man

2005-10-30T17:37:00.000-08:00
...out of town until Wednesday

Golden Day

2005-10-29T10:57:00.000-07:00

OK...this is a good morning, just got back from the gym, had a message from new guy (last night guy) and he wants to hang out again, go to the Book Festival at the Capitol and of course I said yes (fuck the 3 day rule!) because he's cute and tall and so far appears honest. Wow. This is just NICE...no strings, no promises, just somebody to hang out with and crush on. It doesn't hurt that he's more liberal than me, smokes cloves and likes The Smiths...he's been out since high school (none of that *bisexual* bullshit), plays the trumpet, and smells like lemons...

Yum.

The weather is just golden weather and it's crisp and a tad breezy, a day that feels like the pages of a brand new novel, ripe with possibility and promise and I haven't felt this optimistic in a very long while and I will do whatever it takes to hold onto this feeling.

I'm gonna make some eggs, take a shower and go over to meet him.

2005-10-29T07:28:00.000-07:00
Went out with a guy I met recently last night...didn't expect to go out at all, I was just going to sit here and stare at the floor, looking for tunnels...it was FUN for a change and I don't want to get my hopes up and I ain't gonna jinx it by babbling here! But just know it went great and I am happy.

2 hours at the gym this morning as a consequence...too much indulgence last night!

Lucky Her

2005-10-28T18:22:00.000-07:00
Weird day. Lazy day. Went to them gym, still haven't showered, barbequed some chicken kebobs and ate an entire bell pepper. Nice, windy, 70s temps outside and this is weather I can live with. Can't get the *spitter* from Starbucks out of my head...ughh...ran into a former neighbor and former UT football player today and he looked great and he's hooked up, attached to a trophy blonde at the hip and I wished him well and wanted to just grope him right there, in public, at the Whole Foods. I hate having manners. And a conscience.

More *wow* factor...
Nothing big up for this weekend. I could go out, I might go out, maybe one of the political deals to try and stop Prop 2 or maybe I will just lay around and read books. There might be good movies on TCM this weekend, I will have to check that out.
My former neighbor still looked damn good. No beer gut, still those good teeth and eyes. Still that tight body and crazy hair. Lucky her, I'm thinking. Tramp. I know I give better head than she does. I know it.

Another Reason...

2005-10-27T19:56:00.000-07:00
...to move away from this place!!! I went to Starbucks and was sitting outside when this guy sat a few tables away from me. He proceeded to smoke a cigarette, spitting between every damn puff...I kid you not...the guy was spitting all over the damn place. It was one of the most revolting things I have ever seen. He wan't dipping either, this was just spitting as recreation...I nearly threw up. He was well-dressed, had a brand new iPod and a notebook PC...but just gross, nasty...I told the little worker guy and he said 'he does this each time he's here'...fucking nasty. I'm gonna have to pick a new location.

Its All About the Wanting

2005-10-25T05:53:00.000-07:00
Windy and cool...yes! People wearing parkas as if this were Alberta! Hilarious. Did the gym, sent some letters, sat outside and just enjoyed the fabulous autumn breezes...I adore listening to people complain about this weather. They can't stand the heat, they bitch about the cold.

Oh yes...there's my yummy weather guy. Great twang. There goes Hurricane Wilma. My horoscope was pretty positive...let's see if it comes true.

I have to hit the gym for 2 hours...I feel ugly. Don't want to feel ugly, want to be handsome so people will want me. Its all about people wanting you, people lie when they say life is about other things (ha!)...life is all about people wanting to take you home...life is all about looking good and being sexy (even money doesn't really matter...there are some powerful guys & gals in trailer parks!)...

Life is all about primal urges and you must forget all those flowery, romantic ideals...you must simply recognize the lust inside you and work with it as best you can...
...you want to be the doggie in the window who gets taken home....not the one who ends up euthanized. I know this and work with these facts...I do not lie to myself and pretend that things like personality or intelligence count...I learned in Florida that looks are all that matter. I learned in Louisiana that sex really does run the world...its nice to be honest about it all...

2005-10-24T09:03:00.000-07:00
I voted. Early voting. Made me feel good. I don't have much hope that we can defeat this evil amendment, but still...my voice has been heard.

Another paper has come out against this horrible thing-- YAY for the Dallas Morning News!!!

DALLAS MORNING NEWS
State Proposition 2: No: Let same-sex couples keep rights, benefits

"...Proposition 2 on the statewide ballot next month would prevent state judges from overturning current law banning gay marriage. Given that state judges in Texas are elected, and therefore answerable to the people, the chances of a judge doing so are about as good as the Texas Supreme Court outlawing barbecue, so this proposed amendment essentially uses a sledgehammer to kill a mosquito.

Still, if that were all Proposition 2 did, it might be easier to support.

But Proposition 2 goes beyond protecting the definition of marriage. The real impact of Proposition 2 will be to throw into question the legality of other sorts of contracts affecting gay Texans, many of them widely supported by society as a whole.

It is for this reason that we recommend a "no" vote on Proposition 2.

DallasNews.com/extra

We recommend: The Editorial Board's recommendations on all proposed state constitutional amendments and Dallas city propositions

Early voting begins Oct. 24; Election Day is Nov. 8.

Register to vote: English | Español

Early voting locations:
Dallas County
Denton County
Ellis County
Tarrant County

Review the statewide ballot: English | Español
The first part of the proposed constitutional amendment says that marriage "consists only of the union of one man and one woman." Fair enough. That's already state law and has been since the state Legislature adopted the Defense of Marriage Act in 2003.

The second part of the proposed amendment prohibits "any legal status identical or similar to marriage." This would seem to undermine the ability of gay couples to enter into any partnership whose benefits stem from a recognized relationship. This is a problem.

A big problem.

Dallas and Travis counties provide certain health benefits to the partners and families of gay workers. So do hundreds of jurisdictions elsewhere in Texas and across the country. An amendment outlawing "any legal status ... similar to marriage" seems to subject these benefit plans to legal challenge. For what gain?

Proponents of this amendment argue that it won't affect private contracts between gays, and they cite language that was part of the resolution referring this issue to the ballot as proof that the intent behind the amendment isn't to undermine private contracts. But that language doesn't appear on the ballot. (The sorts of contracts we're referring to include arrangements to assure gays visitation rights when a partner is hospitalized, the ability to make the same sort of health care decisions for incapacitated partners as married partners, etc.)

In fact, the state House expressly rejected an effort to clarify the amendment's effect on private contracts when it voted 96-44 earlier this year against including on the ballot a provision stating that the amendment "may not be construed to prohibit the recognition of any contractual relationship currently available."

We doubt most Texans want to make it more difficult for gays to visit loved ones in the hospital or the like. These and other private contracts are already largely accepted by society – and even considered good for business. Thirty-eight of the Fortune 50 companies offer benefits to same-sex couples. Four of North Texas' largest private employers added domestic partner benefits last year.

Proponents say Proposition 2 is about protecting marriage and promoting family values. That may be, at least in their minds, but the unavoidable fact is that this amendment would make it significantly more difficult for gays to protect the health and well-being of their loved ones.

Why on earth deny to these men and women, not special privileges, but ordinary human decencies?

We recommend a "no" vote."

Hot Chill

2005-10-24T05:55:00.000-07:00

Hot pics for a chilly morning! Damn, Chris Evans is FINE!

Colder weather is finally here! Its in the 40s outside. Wonderful, seriously. This is the kind of weather that wakes up the soul.

Have some calls to make, some plans to implement...have to hit the gym, I feel like a huge, lazy slab of humanity.

Oh sweet..there's my hot weatherman on TV! 30s in the Hill Country, beyond Hwy 16...seems early for that, kinda. But its been a strange year weather-wise...

Wet

2005-10-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

Aquaman! Maybe I should start watching 'Smallville' again...but where are the speedos, damnit!

Weird dreams...hot guys...a feeling of loss, of being cut off from your other half....I need to sweat this off (need to forget this feeling, it makes no sense) and I'm going on a drive today, out to Johnson City & Blanco. See if there are any cool shops open...maybe catch a iced tea and some friendly faces. I like small towns...they give me hope that not everyone is rude and pretentious. This *city* gets ruder everyday. I need to dip my feet in the Blanco River right there by 281...I used to love that park with the dam and campsites...nice little area...seems so far away from malls and festivals...

Anyway, back to the dreams...can't shake this feeling that something big has either happened and I am not aware or that something big is about to happen and again, I am just not realizing it. I have been known to be fairly oblivious in the past. OK, even dumb...am I missing clues? None of the guys I have talked to in the last few months seems like the *one*...none of them...

Don't know what this feeling means...for now I will just post another hot picture of Aquaman and let my imagination run riot...

Aquaman is prettier than Superman!

A Far Green & Gold Country

2005-10-22T07:25:00.000-07:00

I found some comfort in re-reading RETURN OF THE KING last night...sat outside in the crisp breeze and pictured myself somewhere other than here...a beautiful place, where pain and strife have no power...

I think I am just going to chill this weekend. Do the gym and nothing else. Not even wash clothes or shave. Just lay around. Stare at the garden, smoke cigs, drink gallons of tea.

Its only supposed to be in the 70s all next week...sounds nice. But it is still very dry (you can see it in the leaves and grass)...

I'm having the same weird dream/fantasy every night lately...I am injured or shot or bleeding to death and there's some guy holding me, saying everything will be OK and I believe it. I'm cold but he's stroking my cheek and I have faith that things will be good (I wonder if I am seeing my own death?). I've had these dreams before. Who is this guy, though? Is he from the past or the present or what will be? Have I already known him and lost him? Is he a manifestation of my wild imagination?

We create our own world, some say...

Aries In The Sky

2005-10-21T07:01:00.000-07:00

I think cooler weather is finally on its way. I'm not bitching here, its just been horribly hot this year...this has been one of the longest summers I can remember...it's been in the 90s or higher for seven months! Feels like the Sahara.

Anyway, I went to Borders and sat there and hit the gym and tried to get all that political angst out of my system because its not like I already didn't realize how bigoted and evil people here were...ha, ha...I've always been quite aware of what people in Texas are like. You see it in the way they treat Mexicans like modern day slaves. You see it in the regressive educational system. Huntsville/Deathville. You see it in the lack of environmental enforcement (go eat some fish from the Trinity River east of Houston-- you will probably glow in the dark!)...its just a pro-gun, pro-money, pro-death, anti-human place...maybe sometimes I forget...I don't want it to be this way, I want it to be better. Yet I know all this. It's not a surprise.

It's a violent place. At constant war with its identity and its future. A place soaked in blood, falling from the sky (how ironic the planet that's up there right now, visible...maybe He is smiling, teeth bared, down on Texas)...the people here do not want peace, they seek only goods and power...

Hurricane Wilma's tearing up Cancun. Big damn deal. I hate to tell people this, but hurricanes are Mother Nature at work...you can't stop 'em, dry your eyes, board up the windows and pray you don't drown. But get over it. I'm so tired of this storm fear frenzy. Storms are wonderful...they bring rain and wind and change. Anything that brings change is fine by me.

Still listening to Stevie Wonder...old cuts though..."Lately" is on right now...damn this is one sad song. Thank goodness I don't have anybody to really miss right now. I don't think I want anyone to ever hurt me like *this* again..LOL...what a sad tune...

"Lookin' for a Pure Love" just came on...delicious track...Jeff Beck on guitar...wow...yep...I need a pure love, too...someday

DeLay's mugshot is hilarious! He's all happy...he'd better get used to being booked.

I may postpone my search for love until 2007. Until this phase ends and I am in a new locale. I don't really want to look here. Nothing here but liars and bisexuals.

2005-10-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

The Reichstag is Burning

2005-10-20T16:26:00.000-07:00
I can't believe how bigoted this damn State is...why are we even considering an amendment to ban gay marriage? Aren't there bigger things to deal with? Umm...like kids without insurance, bad roads, awful schools? What the fuck is wrong with this place? (I gotta get out of this place...backwards...screw a place where I pay taxes into the system and can't get equal rights under the law...)

At least some of our city dailies are against this discriminatory debacle...
FORT WORTH STAR-TELEGRAM
"...Proponents of this initiative attempt to justify their support by wrapping it in terms that evoke motherhood and Old Glory. However, all the lullabies and red-white-and-blue bunting in the world won't mask what Proposition 2 would achieve if voters are deluded enough to approve it: state-sanctioned discrimination.

At the very least, the politicians who are campaigning on this particular platform could be honest. They don't want gay and lesbian Texans to be afforded the same civil rights that heterosexuals receive just by saying, "I do" and filing a state-issued license with a county clerk.

Voters should recall that Perry's bill-signing ceremony was the occasion on which he suggested that gay and lesbian veterans should move somewhere else if they wish to get married, because Texas would never recognize same-sex unions.

He might as well have said: "Thank you for your service to your country. Now go away."

Amendment supporters argue that same-sex couples do have access to the same rights that are afforded heterosexuals who marry, and that passage of this amendment won't change that. But homosexual couples can only exercise those rights if they spend lots of money hiring lawyers to draw up contracts that outline property rights, inheritance and survivorship issues.

How in the farthest stretch of any imagination is that fair? How can that possibly meet the democratic principle of equality that is a hallmark of American government?

Typical of the wording of constitutional amendments, Proposition 2 confuses some people when they read "prohibiting this state or any political subdivision of this state from creating or recognizing any legal status identical or similar to marriage."

What does that mean? It means, even if it isn't stated plainly, that the state, counties and cities would be prohibited from creating or recognizing any legal status afforded to same-sex couples that is identical or similar to heterosexual marriage.

An even shorter version: No civil unions for gays and lesbians in Texas.

Proposition 2 is an ugly amendment. At its core is discrimination and an unfounded fear that gay people who are committed to long-term relationships in some way threaten the institution of traditional marriage.

Texas voters need to defeat it on Nov. 8.

The Star-Telegram recommends a no vote on Proposition 2."

CORPUS CHRISTI CALLER-TIMES
"...Many Americans who oppose gay marriage are willing to consider the possibility of allowing civil unions. But Proposition 2 would remove any possibility of such arrangements. A gay person might not even have the ability to give a partner the right to make medical decisions on his or her behalf.

The statute now on the books recognizes the religious tenets of the majority of Texans regarding homosexual unions. To enshrine that prohibition in the Texas Constitution would be demeaning to all Texans, both gay and straight."

AUSTIN AMERICAN-STATESMAN
"...there's no pressing legal reason to pass Proposition 2. In fact, its passage would be a step backward for Texas.

Texas and the nation have made enormous progress in the past half-century in knocking down laws and social practices that excluded people from all the benefits of citizenship in a free society because they were the wrong color, the wrong sex, had physical disabilities or were gay.

But Proposition 2 would anchor in the constitution a prejudice that same-sex couples — citizens who work, pay taxes and obey the law like everyone else — are not entitled to official recognition of their intimate, committed relationships to each other. And it would make it as difficult as possible to ever obtain such recognition from the Legislature, even if a majority came to support it.

It remains a terrific irony that, even as gay Texas citizens who want to marry cannot, "straight" Texans who can marry file some 120,000 divorce actions a year. And yet voters are told that the way to "protect" marriage is to pass a constitutional amendment attacking gay Texans.

It's not needed to defend marriage, and voters should reject Proposition 2."

Please let my fellow Texans prove me wrong. Damn it, let me be proven wrong. Please surprise me. Tell me that my neighbors and co-workers do not sanction bigotry and discrimination. Show me I am equal in the eyes of the law. Damnit, embrace me and mine! Make us feel like we are wanted. Don't do this. Prove me wrong. Please.

Mars, Red Gum Trees

2005-10-20T06:26:00.000-07:00
Got up early. Mars is visible in the sky. The moon has a halo. My horoscope says this is a good day for daydreaming and fantasies...ha...I am always daydreaming. I made this coffee too damn strong, I am already spinning. Have to hit the gym fairly early, then off to Town.

I have a new local news crush, the weather guy on Fox 7. Looks totally married (aren't they all?) but is quite hot in a countrified way.

I so need to work on the yard. Everything looks good but only because I have been watering like a fiend. Still not enough rain. The bananas don't look like they will bloom this year...but who knows..if we don't catch a frost until Christmas, they still might...the palms look REALLY good and I'm glad. The grass looks like it always does...I should have gone with rocks.

I wish I could grow this here, but it would never survive our unpredictable winters...A Red Flowering Gum Tree (Eucalyptus).

Mercury

2005-10-19T07:44:00.000-07:00
Bought the new Stevie Wonder CD...good stuff, better than most of the junk out there. 'Passionate Raindrops' is my fave track so far...

It for whatever reason is like 95 degrees again everyday. Fucking global warming. Ruins my patio time. I mean, it is supposed to be like 75 this time of year. I don't know what's going on with the freaking climate. Fossil fuels, baby, fossil fuels. Another huge hurricane in the sea...Wilma. The fundies can start screaming "end of days" now.

The rotunda at the National Gallery in DC...a truly gorgeous space! Notice the little statue of Mercury atop the fountain!

Mercury is the hottest planet, I think. Because it's so close to the Sun. Maybe this is actually not Earth, maybe its Mercury because it is damned hot.

I saw someone I hadn't seen in forever and he wanted to *hang out* but I know this game too well by now (he has a wife), no thanks, no dice, get the hell away...I went to the gym instead of a quickie with him and sweated for two hours. Planning and plotting my grand exit next year. It might not be so huge, I may just return to Louisiana. But who knows with me, I might go much further (far North!) or East, or maybe even Hawaii. Who knows? The road is open.

It really isn't fun living here. You can't wash your clothes and drink at the same time (those groovy bar/laundromat things NOLA has). There's no decent, fun public transportation. I hate driving. I want to be able to just take a trolley or a ferry and read my paper and chill...no more killing the environment, no more making ExxonMobil wealthier. All these so-called nature lovers here, driving SUVs...hypocrites and liars. All they care about is money. I hope one day they learn that Big Dollar never loves you back....(no, they will not learn this, they are far too single-minded-- good for them)

I don't care what happens around here. Its gonna end up a smoggy, traffic-choked disaster just like Houston...without the stellar modern architecture and wonderful diversity H-Town has!!!

Off to the gym. And today is comic book day! Yay!

2005-10-18T17:23:00.000-07:00
Man...Randall's is closing the market on Parmer Lane...bad sign...I always have liked Randall's, perhaps because I loved Tom Thumb...this is bad...more Wal-Marts on the way I guess...what the hell is happening to competition in this country? We are down to like 3 chain banks and 3 chain stores...

An overwhelming sameness...

Decision

2005-10-17T15:26:00.000-07:00
OK...I have made up my mind...decision time...by December 31, 2006, I will be living in a completely different state in a completely different state of mind. By any and all means necessary. No more waffling and debating. I loathe Texas. I cannot remain here much longer. 12/31/06. The day of reckoning....

Sparkling Mineral Water

2005-10-16T07:03:00.000-07:00

Some nice eye candy... for a Early Sunday AM...

The weekend, very busy...here, there, everywhere...I don't care for driving the way I used to...but the Coast isn't so far I guess (4 hours) and I drive slow and things look greener. I wanted to go gambling just to hear that crazy clanking noise and sit around chain-smoking old people. But I didn't feel like going all the way to Louisiana. I could have flown somewhere I guess. Just lazy. But as it stands, I have been having some fun, no strings, no muss, no fuss....it's better that way, easier, no lies, no promises, clear and present and easy, like Archer Farms mineral water from SuperTarget (I love that fucking water, it's delicious). It's beautiful weather outside and I've been looking at the water and I have to fucking go back home today and I always hate the return, the loss of beauty, the fading back into the routine that occurs as you arrive back in that place you reside...listening to "Phantasies" by Stephen Malkmus (used to front for Pavement)...what a sexy, nerdy voice he has...

Real Life Imitating Comics

2005-10-13T07:31:00.000-07:00
Wow...DC COMICS' INFINITE CRISIS #1 came out yesterday and it was just badass...blood and action and war and drama from Geoff Johns and beautiful art by Phil Jimenez...good buy. The last page was magnificent, featuring some of my favorite character incarnations from childhood. I think comic fans are in for a wild ride from this series.

Other than that, everything is OK. Went to the gym, sat around at the B&N, drinking black tea and staring at people. Not much of a patio scene at that location; most of the customers are just breeders rushing in and out with their brats. I would think more people would hang out there since there are nice tables and chairs. But maybe its the crappy view (of a parking lot) that turns them off...'Lost' was good last night..Hurley and his food dilemna, Sawyer in the pit, more survivors in the jungle...I'm going to work on some more yoga poses today and at some point send more writing samples off in the mail.

I just saw on the news that almost 2000 soldiers have been killed in Iraq...fuck...to what end? Iraq is more unstable now than ever. What are those men in Washington thinking? It makes my head hurt. Yet most people don't seem to care...you wouldn't even realize there is a *war* going on most of the time...people are too concerned with botox and road rage and cheating on their spouses.

Oh, what a thrill it is to live in such a sad and selfish age... Gotta make the best of it, I suppose...

2005-10-12T12:23:00.000-07:00
We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us -- if at all -- not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.

II

Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death's dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind's singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer
In death's dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer --

Not that final meeting
In the twilight kingdom

III

This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, here they receive
The supplication of a dead man's hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this
In death's other kingdom
Waking alone
At the hour when we are
Trembling with tenderness
Lips that would kiss
Form prayers to broken stone.

IV

The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We grope together
And avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death's twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men.

V

Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o'clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow

Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

--T.S. Eliot, 1925

2005-10-12T06:37:00.000-07:00
Some mornings you question the point of it all...I had weird dreams and I got up and it was foggy and 5am and I need to buy some Clearasil (I always break out in humid weather) and I just feel kinda off. I called out to the house yesterday to see who was in town presently and he yelled at me for not talking to him lately--and doesn't he realize I do not like talking to him, that he is always negative, always bringing me down...at least Mom can sometimes be positive when she's not ranting about his cheating or some new trip she's planning...whatever was I thinking to ever live in the same city with them again? It's not good for my mind.

There is a rage in my father I have never cared to recognize and honestly I wish I never had to deal with him in the future. He is cold and judgmental beyond belief. His actions and infalliable. I wish I didn't have to see him nor have any dealings with him again. Perhaps I do not have to.

He has no scruples.

I have to buy some new vitamins. The weather has grown wet and grey which is the kind I like. Maybe after work and gym I will go see a movie. Right now "The Long Hot Summer" is on Turner Classics. What a great film. Paul Newman was a GOD, bar none.

Save Us

2005-10-11T06:18:00.000-07:00
This is the cutest picture! Super Squirrel!

I bought Joan Didion's book THE YEAR OF MAGICAL THINKING...wow...really devastating portrait of what she went through when her husband died (and horribly her daughter died right after the book was complete). Didion has a very spare, cynical approach to life that I have always appreciated and it's insightful to read about how she processes grief in her own unique way...she's no sentimental sap-- no crying and screaming--she's the consummate realist...she accepts that life is full of pain and all we can do is just keep going. Or not.

The news is starting to hype up the November 8th election. There is some kind of gay marriage ban on the ballot. Bastards...why can't they just let people love one another? Must everything follow some idealized Christian doctrine? I am so tired of people telling other people how to live.

In The Car

2005-10-10T19:59:00.000-07:00

Busy day at work...got home and had this weird deja vu feeling...thought about driving down Broward Boulevard (in South Florida) in the rain in in what had to be 1999 and that "Mambo No. 5" song was on the radio and I was going to Burdines or Sawgrass Mills, can't remember...anyway it was humid and pouring rain and maybe I thought about that day because the weather here yesterday was quite similar. Anyway, just a strange feeling of being in the car, a little apprehensive, not knowing what could happen next...I used to live to just drive around in Florida because the streets have such marvelous landscaping. Here, they barely bother to plant grass, much less trees...

Studly Actor & Good Weather

2005-10-09T07:53:00.000-07:00

It's wonderful to see a hot, hairy-chested, LIBERAL actor these days. So many entertainers are afraid to voice their beliefs (in fear of losing support from the increasingly conservative public)...but this guy, Josh Lucas, is a standout...and he's hot as hell.

Around here, it's just another Sunday. Longhorns won (blah, blah, blah); I guess I would care if I had bet some money on it or something...but the weather is positively to die for--crisp and cool and perfect outside right now (about 55), I am sitting on the patio as I write this, and this is weather I dream about throughout the hellish summer months...this is weather full of change and possibilities and redemption...this is my time...I have to hit the gym sometime this afternoon for at least one hour, then stop by the store for more water and some cigs. Last night was interesting...heh...to say the least...

Here's more JOSH!

Follow The Pretty Teeth West

2005-10-08T15:33:00.000-07:00
It's kind of a beautiful day weather wise and I am happy about that. I went to the gym and pushed it hard but not hard enough and afterwards I went to SuperTarget (I was going to go back to that weird Sears Grand place but for some reason it intimidated me today...too much blue paint or something) and bought that Bolthouse Farms protein tea and saw the hot guy who works at the deli counter and he's always there, he lives there I gather, and anyway there's UT/OU today and all the drunks are weaving down the access road and I am fantasizing about Matt Leinart, although he doesn't play for Texas nor OU, he plays for the Trojans, out in a land between hills and sea...so very far away...

He looks like such a geeky prep here!

This Texas game is BORING...they are winning way too easy...there should be some challenge, you know? Some struggle...football just isn't interesting when it is so one-sided. I don't think people really care who wins. I think they go to games to pick up slutty women and get really sloshed. I don't think football is important to them at all. I think it's all about sex and liquor, like nearly everything else in this doomed culture. Ha ha. Matt Leinart has gorgeous teeth. I bet you he's hung like a mule. Looks semi-cocky but he could be tamed. Yep...he could be tamed...yummy...

Fire

2005-10-07T20:38:00.000-07:00

Had a Sawyer dream...Jesus, I need a boyfriend or some better diversions. Good, wet, sweaty, hung, throbbing, elusive, misty dream and I hate those kind because fuck it's not real yet it feels damn close and you want to stay there, in the dream and never ever leave because it's safe and hot there and sweet...a sweet place you cannot get to in the harsh light of the day. I dream of aggressive guys who protect me and are hard and firce and don't tolerate the winds of trends or transient love...this wacky blue collar ideal of beer and fried chicken and musk and the guy who lives hard, works hard, loves hard. And I suppose will never leave...do these kind of guys truly exist in the world? Or are they only fantasies for the television and the realm of the dreaming....? I'd like to think he exists, and is real and tangible and will eventually enter my life, in whatever form, somewhere, sometime...I hate having these dreams (LOL)...maybe I just don't like feeling horny...I have always liked the romantic aspect more than the sexual aspect...but when it's windy and cold and I am snuggled up under the comforter...a fire starts...

Comics This Week

2005-10-06T06:59:00.000-07:00
RETURN OF DONNA TROY #4-- amazing issue! Donna Troy remembers the Multiverse, gorgeous art by Perez, a reunion (albeit short) with her 'sister' Diana (Wonder Woman)...this one finally made good on this limited series.

JSA #78-- Mordru/Shazam face-off, the team goes in seach of Dr. Fate, running into Thunderbolt and a decimated Fifth Dimension. Great art, very engaging story...JSA delivers again, as always.

Outside of comics, I am just going to the gym and keeping a smile on my face. 'Lost' was great again last night-- not enough Sawyer, though. The entire Locke/Jack interaction was fantastic..."I can't do this without you..." wow...some slash writers are going to have a field day with that dialogue. Also loved seeing 'Peg Bundy' as Locke's former flame.